Burger King Unveils Exclusive Pizza Burger for the Calorie-Starved

Are you afraid your daily intake isn't providing you with the necessary calories, fat and sodium?

Are you a multi-tasking go-getter who needs to pack all your "nutrition" into one coma-inducing meal?

Are you this close to reaching your goal of becoming morbidly obese?

If any or all of those apply to you then put down that smoked turkey leg and point your Jazzy towards Burger King's Times Square Burger Bar for the soon-to-be-unveiled (unleashed?) Pizza Burger.

This caloric monstrosity features four Whopper patties, sauce, mozzarella, pepperoni and pesto and clocks in at an appalling 2520 calories, 144 grams of fat (59 grams saturated) and 3,780mg of salt, which is more than twice the daily limit for adults.

Though BK execs swear the burger is "meant to be shared" I think we all know that probably isn't happening. Check out Jason Lam's roundup of his visit to the Whopper Bar at Me So Hungry.

(Thanks to Christy Z at The Outer Aisle for the tip!)

Take Me Out to The Ballpark: Part 1

While getting my post-breakfast, pre-lunch coffee at Wawa this morning the cashier and I struck up a conversation about Citizens Bank Park (CBP), the new(ish) home of the Philadelphia Phillies. Prompted – I assume – by the Phils t-shirt I was wearing, the cashier informed me that despite his allegiance to Chicago's purveyors of the "national pastime" he loves CBP and suggested that when I get there on Wednesday evening I should seek out the pulled pork and grilled kielbasa at Bull's BBQ.

Ah yes, Wednesday evening. To say the date has been circled on my calendar well in advance is like saying a 7-year-old looks forward to Christmas.

Not only will the evening feature my first trip to a Philly ballpark since my wife and I bid a fond farewell to the Vet, but it also mark an equally long-overdue reunion of sorts with Chris, Scott (aka Koog) and Joe – a trio of pals I've known for, well, let's just leave it at many, many years. Hell, I'd venture that Chris has known me longer than anybody I'm not related to by blood.

Knowing that I was going to be descending upon the park whipped into a food frenzy of orgiastic proportions, I decided that I had to channel my inner culinary Boy Scout and be prepared. Chris and Scott were all-too-eager to help and have been filing reports from their various visits to the park over the course of the season.

Despite the welcome culinary advice from my chatty cashier pal, it seems that THG's trusted advance scouts might quibble with his recommendation. Here's a report the dynamic duo filed earlier this season...

After learning that the hot dog contest was over, we wandered around a bit to find some eats. The line at Tony Luke's was about 40 people deep and unless I haven't eaten in a week, I'm not standing in that kind of line for food, so a TL cheesesteak was out. We made our way to the Schmitter stand and watched them mass produce these overloaded piles of calories and fat. It really doesn't look particularly appealing so we took a pass and made our way to Bull's BBQ pit. Koog had the Bulldog and I opted for the Pulled Pork Sandwich. And yes I ate the bread. I'll allow Scott to provide his food commentary (see below). The pulled pork was adequate – smoked nicely and tender but over-sauced. It could use a little more subtlety a la less barbeque sauce drenching it. The cole slaw was awful – way too much mayo. The baked beans were not bad but they and the pork could have been a little hotter. Overall, I'd give it 2.5 stars out of 5. While better than the crap they served at the Vet, I have become spoiled. I want good food at the ballpark. The real find was the Leinenkugel Summer Shandy. Fortunately they sell it on tap at a stand near my seats. Nice wheat beer with a hint of lemon. A perfect adult beverage for a hot day in the sun. – Chris R.

I'd had my fill of barbecue on a southern trip just a week before, so I wasn't too particularly inclined to try the CBP version of BBQ. Anyway, I've had it before. However, long lines for what would likely be mediocre cheesesteaks didn't seem all that attractive, so we went for it. I opted for the Bulldog, more a sausage than a 'dog'. True to it's namesake, former Phillie slugger Greg "Bull" Luzinski, it looks big, menacing, and appears to be more than you can handle. [Ed. Note: No word on whether it swings at pitches in the dirt like a drunken or fields its position like a pregnant mule.] For all it appeared, this Bulldog was no more than a dachsund. All bark, no bite. While it looked luscious, and even appeared to have the ruddy complexion of spicy hot sausage, the bulldog was no more than a bland tube of meat. It didn't seem to know what it was. Spicy italian? No. Smoked Sausage? No smoke flavor either. Best I could figure was that it was a Kielbasa, but lacked the smoky, garlicky punch that I expect from the best polish meat-torpedoes.

I really want to like Bull's BBQ and will try it again. The restaurant, and CBP in general are a noble experiment in ballpark dining. The concept of actually giving fans a place to spread out, congregate and even choose from multiple dining options (as in a food court) only makes the ballpark experience better. The fact that a place as far north as Philly would devote so much space to a 'cue outlet in a ballpark is even that much better. I appreciate it, but it needs to come up a notch. CBP has been voted among the best in ballpark food every year since its opening. High standards must be set.

I second the vote on Summer Shandy. I was a bit skeptical of Leinenkugel beers after my first experience with their Sunset Wheat. Wheat beers are great by me; they're almost a meal in themselves. However, what I didn't expect with the Sunset Wheat is the over-the-top flavoring with coriander. I love coriander, mind you, in my food (particularly Asian dishes). Not in my beer. This brew tasted like my beer had a collision with the lady at the Chanel counter at Macy's. Summer Shandy, on the other hand, is also a wheat beer, flavored instead with lemonade and a touch of honey. It's definitely not sweet, but very refreshing. It really slaked the thirst – perhaps too well, on a hot spring day. Buy it while this seasonal brew still is on the shelves. – Scott W. aka Koog

Will the Bull get another chance on Wednesday night? Can I actually resist the siren song of The Schmitter – something named after one of my all-time favorite Phils? Will CBP security haul me out after stadium personnel tire of my demands for something called The Bowa Blast?

Stay tuned!

Charging $6 for a Blue Moon Might Make Me Crazy, Too

Some have labeled him a "hero" while National Review went so far as to call him "crazy" in their headline on the story. My guess is that the truth about JetBlue airline attendant Steven Slater falls somewhere in between (though I'm betting the needle points a little bit more towards "crazy").

But you wanna talk crazy? In an article on TMZ.com about how Blue Moon is distancing themselves from the OFFICE SPACE-y waiter in the sky, it mentions that bottles of the icky Coors wheat beer go for about $6 a pop on the airline.

REVIEW: Warning! Taco Bell Cantina Tacos May Cause Depression

(Editor's Note: This is our second warning-related post of the day. I didn't intend for this to be a trend but couldn't think of any other way to alert readers to the potential mental harm posed by these items. You've been warned.)

It should be very obvious to anybody who reads The Hungover Gourmet with any regularity that I love food. Love cooking it, reading about it, watching it made and, naturally, eating it. And while there's nothing quite like an exquisite meal prepared by talented cooks in a restaurant I love, there's also nothing wrong with the cheap eats one might find at a hole-in-the-wall.

Several years ago my wife and I were in Cabo San Lucas for a friend's wedding. Few trips I've ever been on have matched it as far as food goes... the freshest sushi, eye-opening Mexican meals, delicious breakfast burritos consumed day after day at a small, marina-side restaurant.

But, years later, the meal I remember most fondly was on the dusty backstreets of Cabo, away from the tourist shops and urchins begging for change in the shadow of yachts with heli-pads. Almost literally a hole-in-the-wall, the sleepy restaurant featured a staff that spoke no English, a closet-like bathroom across the courtyard, and an open-air sink that must have been a sight when the bar was packed with locals and adventurous gringos.

This was probably the closest thing to real "street tacos" I've ever had and I can close my eyes and remember the grilled, butter-tender carne asada and chopped carnitas bathed in a spicy red sauce that arrived at our table, complete with shredded cabbage, warm corn tortillas and diced red onion.

It was those memories of happier times and far superior food that I drew upon as I sat in the local Taco Bell eating a trio of their new Cantina Tacos that can best be summed up by one word...

Depressing.

I'm not exactly sure how they succeeded in making steak, chicken and pork almost completely flavorless. I'm more concerned with why they would do this. Granted, I know that nobody is rushing to their local Bell thinking they're going to catch a blast of authentic Tijuana street cuisine, but if you're not even going to try and make it taste good why bother?

Actually, that's not fair. It's not that the depressing handfuls didn't taste "good", they simply didn't, well, "taste". Say what you want about misguided ideas like the McDonald's Philly Cheesesteak but it tasted like something. Maybe that something was gristle, greasy onions and cheeseishness but at least it had taste. These flacid failures – aside from the pork, which I'll get to in a minute – have no taste aside from whatever the consumer adds to them.

Not exactly overwhelmed by early reviews I'd read, I decided to hedge my bets and add some Nachos Bell Grande to my order. And, in a really idiotic move that ranks with my worst culinary decisions ever, I opted to pass on regular Mountain Dew and go for the Mountain Dew Baja Blast. I'm not sure why something promising a delicious blast of lime was a strangely tropical blue, I must admit that it did satisfy one nagging curiosity – it tastes exactly like what I've imagined you'd get from mixing Windex with Cool Mint Listerine. Same color, too. I just wonder if it'll fight gingivitis and/or leave me with a streak-free shine.

My Cantina Tacos arrived in individual foil wrappers featuring Taco Bell's half-assed attempt at letting me know what to expect. One was labeled "Chicken", another featured the words "Special" and the third had no label at all, making me recall the "some kind of meat" joke from MEATBALLS.

A quick unveil revealed the "mystery" taco as steak and a translucent diced substance I'm assuming was onion. On the plus side, a fresh-looking, juicy lime quarter was wrapped with each taco, which I'd soon realize was going to provide the one flavor profile I was going to enjoy. As an added bonus even the cilantro had been cured of its trademark "flavor".

The chicken taco featured the same bland nothingness, a blank canvas of flavor if ever I'd tasted one. Really put the chef-testants on TOP CHEF or HELL'S KITCHEN under the gun next season and make them identify what this stuff is supposed to be!

Only the pork, shredded within an inch of its life and swimming in a sauce I was quick to glance away from, had any flavor. Unfortunately, that flavor was quickly summarised in my notes as "something slightly funky" – not foul, but not good and certainly not helped by a quick sip of Baja Blast.

As I sat staring out the window, eating my less-than-grande nachos and wondering why I didn't order a Mexican Pizza I had to lament how my Week of Eating Dan-gerously was progressing. The week began with such promise as I downed jury duty sushi followed by a food truck hamburger and some excellent pit beef (more on those later). Luckily, with big brother JT headed into town the days ahead held both the promise of some local seafood and maybe even a cheesesteak from my old stomping grounds.

Depressing as they may have been, I'm determined not to let Taco Bell's Cantina Tacos get the best of me.

Warning! This Sandwich Will Cause Heart Damage!

There's a part of me that wishes the whole "man vs food" menu item concept had been bigger when I was, say, 25. Back then I could eat pretty much anything I wanted and my scary metabolism would take care of it. Seriously, despite eating and drinking tremendous amounts I was still stick thin and wiry. If Stan Lee had witnessed what I did on a regular basis he'd have created a superhero based on me and called him The Tapeworm.

But in those days it seemed like gluttony was almost something shameful or hidden away. Sure, we had Super Sizes and the occasional limited time double burger but reality-pushing concepts seemed to be hidden in the shadows, not shouted from the rooftops.

In other words, where was the Denny's Fried Cheese Melt when I was rolling home from the Khyber at 3 AM on a Saturday morning?

Does It Hit the Spot? Reviews Taco Bell's Cantina Tacos

Did I expect these to be any good? Not really. Am I still gonna try 'em? Yeah, probably. Though the line "like eating cardboard with lime and hot sauce" does give me pause. Check out the review at Does It Hit the Spot?

REVIEW: Morningstar Farms Chipotle Black Bean Burgers

My previous experiences with "meatless" burgers, sausages, dogs and patties have all pretty much ended with a mix of disappointment in the product and a gnawing craving for the real thing. So it was nothing short of a GIANT leap of faith when I purchased the jumbo box of Morningstar Farms Chipotle Black Bean Burgers at Costco a couple weeks back.

Not that I'm going all vegetarian on you or anything like that. But even I'll admit to enjoying nights that feature almost no cooking on my part and I figure it never hurts to push away from the cavalcade of pit beef, sushi, burgers, ribs and pulled pork that has recently been my life.

For me, just making the purchase of a 12-pack of 1/4 lb. anything represented a classic "good side and bad side play tug-of-war". On the one hand I had a coupon, so the money-saving, cost-conscious gene I inherited from my folks was doing a jig. On the other hand, the part of me that vividly remembers tossing out package after package of icicle-caked frozen foods from my parents' basement freezer after they moved out of my childhood home tends to paralyze me with fear every time I set foot in Costco or buy more than four cans of soup at one time.

But after spending the better part of the weekend prepping, cooking, having and cleaning up from our annual cookout and suffering from the soul-crushing boredom of a day on jury duty, I felt like it was time to bite the bullet and give Morningstar Farms the old college try.

Seriously – how bad could they possibly be?

While none of the other meat-free burgers I've tried were truly awful, I must admit that I've never been in any big rush to try any of them again. And sure enough, a quick check of our freezer yielded half a package of ice-encrusted Boca Burgers from some long-ago cookout. (The Freezer-Cleaner in me trembles just typing that sentence.)

After giving the package a final long, hard look and deciding to make a mini-pulled pork sandwich just in case they sucked, I popped the burgers in and followed the very specific timing instructions as close as possible. The package recommends baking in the oven and flipping the patties over halfway through the 23 minute cooking time but even I'm not so anal about following package directions that I would set the timer for 11:30. And I'm pretty anal when it comes to recipes, cooking times and directions on foodstuffs... don't even get me started on expiration dates.

Once the 23 minutes was up I topped each burger with a slice of Sargento Reduced Sodium Pepper Jack Cheese – again, in case they sucked – let the cheese melt and then popped them onto awaiting buns.

Much to my surprise – and relief – I can safely say that these are my favorite meatless burgers of all time. Granted, that's like being voted the prettiest Kennedy girl but you get the drift. While these certainly aren't going to make me forget Tessaro's in Pittsburgh or even the exquisitely cooked burger I recently had at Iron Hill Brewery in Mt. Laurel, NJ they had a nice crisp exterior that led to a soft center, all flavored nicely with corn and chipotle. Plus, at just 7 grams of fat per serving I won't feel bad about firing one up for lunch.

I'm not sure I'm quite ready to go down the vegan Hickory BBQ Riblet road yet, but I'll keep you posted.

FOOD COURT: Toad-Licking Chef Caught on Camera

Of all the things I've suspected to be going on in restaurant kitchens, toad licking was not one of them. Now I find out that the chef at an Iowa restaurant was caught on tape kissing and licking toads, an act that cost the restaurant the seemingly-arbitrary sum of $335.

After reading that it was the chef's brother who posted the video on YouTube, I once again thank my lucky stars that Flip cameras, blogs, YouTube and digital cameras were not big from 1984-1995.

FOOD COURT: Frozen Chefs, Fast Food Freakouts and Fake Seizures

It's been quite the line-up of law and order-related culinary mischief this week. Must have had something to do with my recent stint on jury duty...

First up, the body of missing French chef Jean-Francois Poinard was discovered in the freezer of an apartment he had shared with his girlfriend. The 71-year-old chef had been missing for two years and was once considered a top chef in Lyon.

Next it's a fast food freakout as a woman smashes the drive-thru window of a McDonald's in Ohio after being told she couldn't have McNuggets since it was breakfast time. I have long held the belief that the Golden Arches' inflexible breakfast hours work to their detriment, though I wouldn't take my case quite this far!

And in a case of life sorta imitating art, a Baltimore man was charged with faking seizures in order to avoid paying his restaurant tabs. This was no quickly thought out scheme to avoid a bill. 43-year-old Andrew Palmer had done this a staggering 80+ times with more than 30 convictions for "eating in a public place without paying" among other things. Oh, the "art" I was referring to was the film CHOKE in which a man (played by Sam Rockwell) fakes seizures in restaurants to scam money from the people who save his life.

(Thanks to SMILE HON editor WP Tandy and MC Scotty P for the tips.)