Stop It. You're Embarrassing Yourself.

A day after McDonald's announced they were getting into the chicken wing biz (at least for a limited time), Burger King made headlines with their $1 Fry Burger. Which is a burger. With four french fries on it. For a buck.

Did they not get the message that we were through?

FAST FOOD FRIDAY: Sometimes Words So Innocent, Cut So Deep

Dear John, so begins a famous old story

Goodbye, au-revoir, thanks for the memory

– "Poison Pen", Hoodoo Gurus

If you've followed this blog over the years then you are well aware of my long-standing allegiance to Burger King. Through all the ups and downs, the Loaded Steakhouse Burgers and the Whiplash Whoppers, the Chicken Fries and Burger Shots, the riblets and the 2012 Summer Menu tragedy – not to mention the almost annual rebooting of their chicken nuggets – I've stubbornly stuck by The King.

Hell, I even liked the "Creepy King" commercials and the spots featuring Ugoff the odd Eurotrashy fashionista.

But I'm here to say that I may be ready to throw in the towel and get a divorce – or at least a trial separation – from the country's #2 fast food burger joint.

Like any relationship that goes sour it's hard to pinpoint just one thing but it's easy to find lots of little things: the way their menu changed on what seemed like a whim; the (infrequent) hit and (largely) miss quality of their limited edition items; the way they gave in and simply made their chicken nuggets taste just like their "rivals" at McDonald's; and headline grabs that smack of desperation like the burger bar, serving (bad) beer or delivery services.

I knew trouble was brewing when the 2013 Summer Menu was announced and I met its arrival with the kind of disinterested "meh" usually reserved for The Pro Bowl. Sure, the Sweet Potato Fries were back, but the Alexa fries I buy in bulk at Costco are just as good (if not the same thing). Their lame attempt at pulled pork had (inexplicably) returned, too, but last year's highlight – The Bacon Sundae – was nowhere to be found.

At least I could take solace in the new Rib Sandwich, even if it did feel like a pathetic attempt to glom on to some of the McRib's cult-like following. (That sound you hear is McDonald's execs cackling.)

Unfortunately, despite surprising praise from some food blog outlets, my experience with the BK Rib Sandwich was disheartening to say the least. Let me put it this way: when the highlight of my meal is finding a fry in my o-rings and shouting "That was my Woodstock!" you know something's amiss.

Sure, I'd had bad burgers and ill-advised menu offerings at Burger King before. But I'd never left feeling so so so... emotionally squashed and unsatisfied.

Maybe it was the sandwich, a visually assaulting conglomeration of tasteless, shaped ground pork topped with pickles and sauce (which provided the only flavor the sandwich had). Maybe it was sneaking a nugget from my daughter's lunch, only to realize they tasted like they'd run down the block to McDonald's because they ran out.

Whatever it was it festered in my belly belly for a few weeks, gnawing at my gut and making me question my aforementioned "long-standing allegiance". And then I did something I haven't done – except out of sheer "I refuse to eat at a Subway or Sbarro" stubbornness – in about 15 or 20 years.

I suggested stopping at a Wendy's.

Clearly something was amiss with the universe. Wendy's – no pun intended – had always been the red-headed stepchild of fast food joints to me. No matter how much they spruced up the facade, updated their logo or rolled out "limited time only" offerings (usually my fast food weakness), I simply drove on by, electing to eat anyplace else.

But positive word-of-mouth regarding the new Pretzel Bun Cheeseburger had definitely made an impact and, well, a man can only eat so many Wawa hoagies in one weekend.

And so that was where we stopped on a recent trip home from LBI. A Wendy's. 

And, no, the Pretzel Bun Cheeseburger wasn't some great fast food revelation. Yes, I liked the bun (surprisingly), the bacon actually tasted like, well, bacon and not dog treats, and the spring mix and other veggies that adorned the top looked and tasted suspiciously fresh. But the meat – sort of a cross between the salty fried slab of McDonald's and the flame-broiled juiciness of, well, you know – fell into a bit of a netherworld in which it was hot, juicy and fresh-tasting, but largely devoid of any actual, um, flavor.

But – and here's the kicker – I didn't hate myself for kinda enjoying it. In fact, all three of us agreed that we'd go back there again.

So, sorry King. I'm moving on. I know we've had some good times and we always made it through the rough patches. But sometimes you just need to know when things aren't working out.

Cheesy Bites? Philly Chicken? Avocado & Swiss Burger? Must Be a New Burger King Menu.

Burger King could probably learn a thing or two from their (Golden) arch rivals. While I'm not necessarily a big McDonald's fan there's a comfortable sameness to their menu that, well, works. Sure they go outside the box every now and then with a McRib or the upcoming Fish McBites (Can. Not. Wait.) but you rarely see something from McDonald's that makes you recoil with horror at the same time that you're strangely curious.

Not so with Burger King.

The corpse of the 55th Anniversary (?!) menu had barely cooled – hell, they might still be hawking the Angry Whopper as far as I know – when a new book of coupons showed up in my mailbox. Actually, that's a lie. It wasn't even in my mail. It was stuffed inside the local newspaper I usually throw away after I pull out the grocery store fliers.

Anyway, I'd heard rumblings about the new chicken sandwiches that were on the way – for a limited time, of course – and had even seen a camera phone pic of an in-store poster hawking the "Philly" Chicken Sandwich. Here's further evidence from the coupon book...

Apparently, "Philly" is now restaurant/recipe code for "smothered in cheese, onions and peppers", though I don't know a self-respecting native of the DelVal who would put either onions or peppers on their cheesesteak. Even the usually-reliable Cooking Light takes it a step further by advising readers to put horseradish (WTF?!) on their Turkey Philly.

They've also unveiled "New" Chicken Nuggets ("Crispier with White Meat"), which I believe makes this the fourth straight year they've revamped their nugget offerings. And while I'll definitely admit they're superior to whatever that is in McDonald's nuggets, my daughter would not agree. Maybe I can sway here with Cheesy Tots.

And when it's cold outside what better way to warm your insides than with ... an Avocado & Swiss Burger? 

Oh Burger King. Why are you so capable of simultaneously disappointing and tempting me?

At Least They Didn't Put Cheese on It: BK's Bummer Menu

I have a love/hate relationship with most of the "limited time only" offerings from Burger King.

On the one hand I love that they push the envelope more than counterparts like McDonald's and Wendy's. While those places seem to be content recycling previous "hits" (McRib) or simply revamping existing items (Spicy McBites, chicken sandwich with hot sauce or cheese or cheesy hot sauce), you get the feeling that the folks at BK are at least trying when they trot out some superhero-flick-inspired sandwich or, in the case of this review, the 2012 BK Summer Menu.

On the other hand, I hate that 9 times out of 10 the execution is so wrong-headed and mind-boggling that I wonder why I fall for it again and again and again. (Oh, right, I'm highly suggestible.) At least when Taco Bell pushes the envelope, even when the execution falls on its face, I know what they were attempting to do. I may not have loved the Doritos Tacos but I've gone back and had them twice.

To be frank, I knew that the BK Summer Menu – especially the Memphis Pulled Pork Sandwich – was destined to be another letdown. The question was, would it be a Loaded Steakhouse Letdown or a Burger Shots Letdown?

And so, on my way home from a long trip – with a ferocious hunger burning in my belly – I decided to take the plunge and see what the menu offered. I pulled in and ordered the Memphis Pulled Pork Sandwich, the Carolina BBQ Whopper, a side of Sweet Potato Fries and the Bacon Sundae.

It didn't take long to realize that the Memphis Pulled Pork was wrong on just about every level. At first I thought the "pulled pork" was some type of "pork patty" along the lines of the McRib, but I realized it was probably just a byproduct of the precise portioning that comes with any fast food offering. This surely isn't the same pulled pork that I make at home or get from Andy Nelson's up the road, but is pretty close to the stuff you'll find in pre-sealed tubs in the meat section at your local supermarket. Processed and shredded to the point where it almost looks pre-chewed it's the perfect sandwich if you're really in the mood for something like Lloyd's but don't feel like using your microwave.

Adding insult to injury are the toppings and bun. Instead of making it a real Memphis-style pulled pork sandwich topped with tangy cole slaw on a soft bun that almost becomes one with the insides, BK chose to add sliced onions (WTF?!) and a cloying "sweet Southern dressing" before placing the whole thing between halves of a warm, toasted artisan-style bun.

As I said to my wife, "at least they didn't put cheese on it".

The Carolina BBQ Whopper fares slightly (and I mean slightly) better, but only because there's a Whopper lurking somewhere beneath all the faux-tasting bacon and that goddamn "sweet Southern dressing" which makes another unwanted, unwarranted appearance. Apparently the burger is topped with Bulls Eye Carolina Style BBQ Sauce (which boasts of mustard and BBQ spices) but I couldn't taste anything beyond that damn, damn dressing.

Not surprisingly, the Sweet Potato Fries and Bacon Sundae were the high points of the meal. The fries taste almost exactly like the frozen Alexia Sweet Potato Fries I buy in bulk at Costco and the Bacon Sundae featured just the right mix of sweet and savory thanks to a blend of vanilla soft serve (touted by many bloggers as the best fast food soft serve out there), chocolate fudge, caramel, bacon crumbles and a decadent piece of thick cut bacon as a garnish.

I'm tempted to swing by and try the Texas BBQ Whopper – the only offering that doesn't have that dressing – and grab another Bacon Sundae, but I might be better off to test out the Taco Bell Cantina Menu which appears to be an attempt to rebrand the chain rather than simply repackage existing menu offerings.