While The Hungover Gourmet is vacationing we bring you some pieces written for other publications and other items from the archives. The following piece appeared in the out-of-print Carbon 14 #24.
I used to think that I'd missed my chance for a Hungover Gourmet television show. Truth be told, the concept was originally thought up as just that. A booze-and-drug-fueled evening turned into an aspirin-and-water-soaked afternoon as I valiantly struggled to work up the strength to eat my turkey hoagie and start boozing again. The mindless nattering of a hungover man eventually spilled over into the rather elaborate planning for a cooking show called, you guessed it, 'The Hungover Gourmet.'
When the Food Network launched I should've just made a tape and sent it in. Hell, these were the same people that were putting David Rosengarten on the air for hours at a stretch and handcuffed the obviously charmismatic Emeril Lagasse in a studio kitchen free from audience interaction. They obviously had no clue.
As the network gained in popularity I figured that my chances of ever getting a show had been whittled down to slim. Emeril had been turned into nothing short of the channel's mascot, Bobby "Is Not a Chef" Flay was let loose to bring his smugness to the whole country, and "inoffensive & attractive" could be used to sum up the majority of their new hosts. Hell, they'd even ditched my boy Ming Tsai!
Then I find out that starting in 2004, Dweezil Zappa will be hosting a cooking show/travelogue on the channel. His co-host? Why it's his girlfriend, acoustic-rocker Lisa Loeb. Hey, count your blessings. It could've been Ahmet or Moon Unit.
So, maybe my chances aren't that bad after all. Then again, I could always just do what the porn industry has done and put my show out on DVD.
Imagine a cooking show hosted by an annoying guy whose best qualities can be described as a cross between Jack Black, Ray Liotta and Stuttering John Melendez of 'The Howard Stern Show.' And instead of cooking experts, chefs or authors, the segments feature a bevy of chicks from porn films who make you want to kick in your TV screen.
If you can do that, you don't need to watch COOKING WITH PORN STARS, a clever idea sabotaged by one fatal flaw - people who are high should not be given access to audio-visual equipment.
Hosted by Colin Malone - of the infamous 'Colin's Sleazy Friends' program - COOKING WITH... takes us into the homes of a pre-radical-plastic-surgery Houston, porn-star roomies Raylene and Chandler, and Teri Weigel, the Playboy Playmate whose career detoured through porn and TV's 'Married With Children.' Which of those career highpoints would you tell your parents about? In Weigel's defense, at least she's never lowered herself to appearing on 'Good Morning, Miami.'
The first segment, in which Houston inexplicably screws up jello shots, is chock full of moments that had me reaching for, but not engaging, the remote. Unscripted and full of camerawork that made me feel like I'd had a dozen shots, the segment is like the worst student film you've ever witnessed. Moment worth waiting for? Malone's screamingly insincere Christmas wish to the firefighters "who gave their lives... to the New York City, um, tragedy."
While Raylene and Chandler's segment succeeds in being more watchable than what came before it, that's akin to being the best-looking Kennedy girl. Technically it's a step up, too, as the microphone can actually pick up all the subtleties of the kitchen chat about double-penetration. And why do I think boxer/pitchman George Foreman would be PISSED about the multiple mentions of his grill during this monstrosity?
Weigel's segment benefits greatly from her vast acting experience. She seems to have a clue about how to make the dish she's presenting and the whole segment has a tipsy charm that was missing from the other porn star visits.
If you're considering turning your life around and getting sober THIS is the DVD that'll convince you. I lost count of how many times I thought, "Jesus, have I ever acted like THAT?"
The smashing success of the first installment made a second foray into porn star kitchens a natural. And while it won't be showing up next year during the stretch run to Christmas, this "holiday" themed episode takes us into three new porn star kitchens, again with hazy, pot-singed results.
Nakita Kash & Calli Cox provide viewers with a fractured lesson in casserole history while attempting to make Green Bean Casserole, one of the easiest side dishes on the face of the earth. I've known people who could barely make toast that were successful in making an edible version of this dish, yet Kash & Cox only succeed in turning me off to Cream of Mushroom Soup and making something that looks completely unappetizing in any form. To their, credit, though, they're not all high and dopey and their small-chested-brunette/big-boobed-blonde dynamic makes them a bit easier to take.
When Tabitha Stevens answers the door in mid-toke you know you're in for a segment that'll quickly disintegrate into topless depravity. Stevens - who has a perpetually surprised expression that suggests "Shannen-Doherty meets Lara Flynn Boyle" - doesn't fail to deliver and whips off her top and squeezes her lactating boobs minutes into baking holiday cookies. Speaking of baking, Stevens and Malone smoke constantly as the segment crashes and burns with the host licking frosting off her body while she sucks handfuls of the sugary goo off his hand, all the while plugging her adult toy store. Fans of car crashes, train wrecks and other disasters will eat it up.
Unfortunately, the segment with the most potential - from a cooking standpoint, at least - includes almost zero culinary information. Voluptuous Ruby calls herself spicy and likes spicy food, so she plans on making Jambalaya and some Dirty Rice. We see her drain some grease from a pan and brown some ground beef... and, well, that's about it. Despite the fact that she seems to know what the hell she's doing (even Malone comments how different the segment is from the Tabitha Stevens toke-a-thon) we spend more time with the busty and giggly porn star showering and skinny-dipping.
While the first installment made me want to kick in my TV screen, the holiday episode gets high marks for featuring genuine laughs. Even the sleazy Malone is less annoying this time around. Frankly, I'm actually intrigued about the possibilities for a third installment.
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